Someone asked the following question and asked if I could address my answer to the group:

Question: I’ve been married for 25 years and during those 25 years I didn’t know that my husband was a covert narcissistic abuser until I recently read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My question is, how can we know sooner if someone is a covert narcissist?

My Answer: I’ve addressed this subject in times past but the question above contains a question within a question that I believe is critically important, and hopefully many will benefit from the answer:

Narcissism, in general, has taken on different meanings and has been stretched to define certain behaviors commonly associated with an abuser. For us to understand how to discern narcissistic behavior we must understand some truths about Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. First, NPD is not a behavior, NPD is a study of emotionally dysfunctional traits, internally persistent in those who are diagnosed with NPD.

The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition text revision (also known as the “DSM-5-TR™” or just “DSM-5®”) has a list of 9 criteria or traits common to those diagnosed with NPD which include: 1) Sense of self-importance, 2) Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success, 3) Entitled, 4) Can only be around people who are important or special, 5) Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain, 6) Arrogant, 7) Lack empathy, 8 ) Must be admired, 9) Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them. Further, NPD occurs on a spectrum and can be accompanied by comorbidity, which is an overlapping disorder like sociopathy or psychopathy.

Now, trained mental health professionals conduct a structured interview to learn more about an individual’s typical behavior patterns. If someone consistently displays at least five of the NPD traits listed above, they meet the diagnostic criteria for the condition. As you can see from the diagnostic criteria, NPD is what drives or internally motivates an individual. From the standpoint of dealing with a narcissist up close, you can’t observe their internal motivation or trait, you can and will observe external behaviors motivated by a NPD trait. Let me add, a person can have an NPD trait, and many people do, but not be diagnosed with NPD. Also, all narcissists aren’t abusers but all abusers display narcissistic traits.

This brings up two important issues concerning our question. First, home diagnosing a narcissist is not and never will be the highest and best use of your time. Why? Because the bigger issue isn’t what motivates their behavior, the bigger issue is the behavior that motivates you to believe that they are a narcissist. The diagnostic model for NPD doesn’t tell you how a narcissist treats you, the NPD diagnostic model tells you what internal emotional dysfunction motivates their maltreatment of you. What you will observe is the pathological, predictable, consistent maltreatment of you by any means necessary to satisfy the emotionally dysfunctional cravings (traits) of a narcissist.

 

Why is this important for all of us, victims of abuse in particular? Despite the hyperfocus on NPD and home diagnosis, the issue is not NPD perse, the issue is maltreatment. Whatever the internal motivation or emotional dysfunction is that drives their diabolical, pathological maltreatment of you is secondary. The primary issue is what you can know and what would you have to know to even consider the possibility of them being narcissist? Behavior. A home diagnosis of NPD is never a legitimate diagnosis of NPD, it’s an observation of behavior that hurts, harms, abuses with depraved indifference — physically, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially or sexually. The issue is their pathological, diabolical maltreatment of you. Believing that someone is internally motivated to harm us is what most struggle to do, not see or perceive the harm.

 

It’s worth noting that a history of relational abuse/trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can cause a person to be desensitized or rationalize abusive behavior. A Psyche Central article, Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel, states Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can include experiencing any of the following during your childhood:

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional abuse
• Physical neglect
• Emotional neglect
• Witnessing domestic violence
• A parent or close family member who is an alcoholic or addict
• A parent or close family member who is mentally ill
• Parents who are separated or divorced
• A parent or close family member being incarcerated

Your personal experience with the individual is your personal experience, regardless of what their possible or clinical diagnosis is. Although reading about NPD might offer some solace or explanation of what might fuel the individual’s behavior, getting a degree in narcissism will only get you so far because it will not stop them or change their behavior. Your personal experience is the most important diagnoses you can make: you are and have been observably, pathologically, paternalistically, methodically, diabolically maltreated with any number of behavioral tactics that result in your harm — mental, emotional, physical or spiritual, to coerce and control you for their selfish gain or reason.

 

When you are talking about behavior, any behavior, based on untruth, cognitive distortion, denial, dysfunction, or destruction, the Holy Spirit in you will sound the alarm, your gut will sound the alarm, and your skin will sound the alarm. Why? For the believer, the Holy Spirit always reveals truth. Untruth, double-mindedness, covertness, denial, disingenuousness, or any weapon formed against you will be revealed to you in the spirit. The more submitted your internal truth is to the Holy Spirit, in all things, God will reveal to you, often in advance and in living color, any ulterior motive or behavior that is rooted in destruction, deception, dysfunction, untruth or evilness: “But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26).

This brings us to our final point, covert narcissism. The word covert narcissism is often misused and needs to be addressed. People with overt narcissism are typically extroverted, bold, and attention-seeking. They may become aggressive or violent if a person or situation challenges their sense of status, false beliefs, untruths, and denial. “The covert subtype is less obvious until they’re activated. A person with covert narcissism may come across as shy, withdrawn, or self-deprecating. However, they will still be self-absorbed and believe that they are better than other people.” Covert narcissism often presents itself as passive-aggressive, underhanded, vengeful, and holding grudges. Covert narcissists will enlist the support of others in their covert attack against you by sowing discord and, telling convenient lies and self-serving untruths about you — behind your back. “More specifically, covert narcissists tend to rely on self-deprecation and negative self-talk as a means of getting sympathy and attention from others.”

The bottom line is, the most important thing to remember when dealing with people, any, is the motive behind their behavior may never be known and doesn’t need to be known in order to know they are abusive. What is observable is their behavior. The Holy Spirit will always reveal, predict, and give you a complete picture of the truth about behavior when it is against you, and when it’s motivated by evil or negativity…pray attention (Matthew 26:17-25). Your gut and your instincts will always feel the effect of maltreatment because maltreatment is an act of aggression. For an abuse victim, bad behavior is not an event, it is a pattern of diabolical, manipulative, untruthful, and negative behavior unrelated to you and rooted in their dysfunction — that activates your body’s fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

An abuser is always good to you until they’re not. Know what you know, and walk in absolute truth at all times. Your obedience to the truth, boundaries and the Holy Spirit will always give you clarity, revelation, and confirmation of untruth, and evil, malevolent, disingenuous, or threating  behavior (2 Timothy 3:1-5).

Bless you.