Our deepest pain and most traumatic experiences can, and often do, come from relationships. Intimate Partner Abuse in all of its forms — physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, is betrayal. I often say betrayal trauma is akin to being run over by a car and then finding out that the driver was paid to run you over by somebody you loved — and you thought loved you.
Narcissistic discard is also a form of betrayal. The narcissistic discard phase is when someone with narcissistic tendencies discards another person because they are no longer useful or meeting their needs. This phase can be final and end the relationship, or it can be temporary. Here are some signs of a narcissistic discard:
- Silent treatment: A temporary discard that can be used to punish or manipulate someone.
- Devaluation: A phase that can lead to discarding.
- Infidelity: An affair or cheating can be a form of discarding.
- Taking advantage: A narcissist may take advantage of an opportunity that doesn’t include the other person.
Nothing prepares us for betrayal, not self-esteem, self-love or faith. Common forms of relationship betrayal include: infidelity, disloyalty, dishonesty, abandonment, neglect, and manipulation. To say that betrayal can have devastating effect on the betrayed person’s world is an understatement. Betrayal can and often does lead to feelings of grief, loss, despair and depression. Your heart will bleed, your soul will ache and your mind will struggle to make sense of the betrayal.
In the 1990s, psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined the concept “betrayal trauma” to describe what “occurs when an intimate relationship significantly violates a person’s trust or well-being. Jessica Conquest, LMFT, offers an illustrative example to help distinguish betrayal trauma (BT) from other trauma responses like post-traumatic stress (PTS): “Imagine being attacked on the subway by a stranger (PTS). Now, imagine being robbed on the subway by a stranger (PTS) and then finding out your partner set you up for an insurance payout (BT).” Betrayal by someone who you not only trusted but also loved, is like being stabbed from the inside out…betrayal trauma and the complicated emotions that follow, can linger for many years.
Psychologist Sandra A. Shachar, PhD, states, states that betrayal trauma recovery has 4 Stages:
1. Shock and devastation. Everything you thought you knew about your partner and your intimate relationship is now called into question. “Who are you? I thought I knew you! How could I have not known? What will I do now? How could I possibly love you or ever trust you again?” Your sense of being able to trust yourself, your instincts and your sense of reality have all been turned upside down. Things may feel unreal, and you may find yourself crying, feeling depressed or anxious and even panicked, unable to eat or sleep. Knowing that these reactions are normal, that this phase will not last, and that you will survive, can help you get through each day with hope. This phase may last weeks or even months, and can be triggered again if learn new information about your partner’s betrayal.
2. Anger. The loss of the relationship and life as you knew it naturally prompts the emotion of anger and often the desire for revenge. You will likely have some version of the thoughts, “I could ruin you, tell everyone that we know, shame you and make you pay for how you hurt me.” You may have similar or more intense thoughts about seeking revenge from the betrayal partners, as well as anyone else who knew about your partner’s behavior and protected them with silence or enabling. Resisting the urge to act on these feelings can be challenging, but betrayed partners seldom find revenge satisfying to the extent imagined.
3. Grief and difficulty feeling grounded. After the more intense reaction of anger begins to subside, a sadness and even depression may take its place. It is natural to feel sadness with loss of any kind, and the reality is that your relationship, as you believed it to be, is over. There is also the “loss of innocence” with your realization that things were not as they seemed and the person you thought you knew is not exactly who your partner is. Once a betrayal is discovered, both partners and their relationship are forever changed. Your sense of being able to trust yourself is also shaken, such that you may second guess all of your decisions.
4. Healing and Rebirth. In the place of grief, brokenness and devastation comes the redefining yourself … For the betrayed partner, understanding how you came to be in relationship marred by betrayal, will help you develop greater self-compassion and a sense of being able to trust that you can be healthy and whole again.
Except for the first stage of shock and devastation at the moment of discovery, there is no exact time frame for these stages. It is also normal for elements of each stage to re-emerge when a betrayed partner feels triggered. Triggering usually occurs unexpectedly, such as seeing a sex scene in a movie, hearing a song on the radio, or driving by a familiar place.
How does God fit into this?
In my Betrayal Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse Masterclass, I emphasize the significance of holistic healing, as God does: “May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thessalonians 5:23).The foundation for your healing is truth. Truth will set you free. The bible tells us, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). You have been injured, they’ve done the unthinkable but your story doesn’t end there. Trust in God and belief in your ability to walk through the valley and fear no evil, is the key to your post-traumatic growth.
When you’ve suffered a major emotional blow, your mind will struggle, your heart will struggle and your faith will struggle. You will grieve, Grieving is a part of the healing process. We don’t grieve or heal…it’s not one or the other, it’s both. Grieving releases you, slowly, to move forward. One of the most comforting things for seasons of grief is knowing that we are not alone. Our God is is not unable to sympathize with us in our weak moments: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin” (Heb 4:15).
Jesus grieved too.
Consider Jesus’s life. He was “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isa. 53:3). Jesus knew what it was to be grieved. One of the most familiar verses because of its brevity, is also one that depicts Jesus in grief: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:42-44). Grieve without guilt or shame. Grieve without a clock or a need to speed through the grieving process. Grieve to release and heal forward.
It is critical for your healing journey that you understand these truths biblical truths:
Judas didn’t betray Jesus because Jesus didn’t love Judas, because Jesus didn’t love Judas enough or because God let Judas betray Jesus. Judas betrayed Jesus because Judas was a betrayer. While Judas walked with Jesus, confessed to love Jesus and ate with Jesus, Judas was betraying Jesus: “Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, “Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year’s wages.” He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it” (John 12:1-6). Judas was covertly betraying Jesus, as all betrayers do, from the very beginning.
Betrayal has nothing to do with what you did, what you didn’t do, or what you could have done differently. Betrayal has nothing to do with how much you loved them or you being able to love them enough to stop them from betraying you. No matter how much you loved them, no matter if they claimed to be a follower of Jesus, and no matter how much you invested into the relationship, betrayal is not about you, betrayal is about a lack of emotional integrity. When free will of choice is controlled by a lack of emotional integrity, you can be Jesus and still be betrayed — because a lack of emotional integrity cultivates evil desire.
God didn’t make them do it, God didn’t allow them to betray you and the devil didn’t make them betray you, they chose to betray you: “When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:13-15).
Betrayers do what betrayers do…betray. It’s important to understand that you’re healing from not knowing, not expecting and not believing that they could betray you, you’re not healing from them being a betrayer — you don’t control that. They did what they did because that’s what betrayers do — to anybody, including Jesus.
You can spend the rest of your life trying to understand why they did what they did or, you can tell yourself the truth…Judas didn’t betray Jesus because Jesus didn’t love him enough, Judas betrayed Jesus because Judas was a betrayer. Once you understand and accept who they are, you can stop trying to figure out why they did what they did…they did what they did because that’s who they are. You will know them by their fruit: “Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them” (Matthew 7:15-20).
This is important for you to remember and repeat to yourself daily as you begin your healing journey: Jesus’ life wasn’t over when Judas betrayed Him, Judas’ role in Jesus’ life was over. Jesus was betrayed, hung and buried, and He was resurrected from His betrayal with all power (Matthew 28:18). Your life isn’t over, your confusion about who they are is over…and yes, that cross is difficult to bear and the pain will feel like it’s burying you but if you hold fast to the truth, you will be resurrected with all power.
What if they were a Christian?
We have to stop saying that an abuser is also a follower of Jesus Christ or is even a Christian. Yes, “Nobody is perfect, everybody is flawed, and God loves us no matter what.” Let me biblically clarify something, the Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). God’s love doesn’t mean someone is follower of Jesus Christ, God’s love means everybody has an invitation or an option to be a follower of Jesus Christ.
And let’s be clear about something else, there are believers and there are followers. A believer is not a follower: “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder” (James 2:19). Even the demons believe. A follower is a worshipper: “God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). A worshipper isn’t perfect, a worshipper is repentant. A worshipper can stumble but a worshiper does not delight in evil because evil is the enemy of God (Romans 1:28-32, 1 Corinthians 13:4-6). The root of betrayal is hatred — of self and projected onto others. The Bible verse 1 John 3:15 says, “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” Abuse and betrayal aren’t events or accidents, they are calculated, pathological and intentional, and a reflection of emotional fruit that lacks integrity.
Can a follower turn back and become evil? Yes, Judas did (Matthew 12:43-45, Romans 1:28-32)…they’re an unbelieving believer. God calls belief without worship (in spirit and in truth), a form of Godliness that denies the power of God: “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Timothy 3:1-5).
How will you know if they are a follower? By their fruit. You aren’t condemning them, you’re acknowledging, discerning and agreeing with who their behavior tells you they are. And let’s be clear…judging what you see is discernment not condemnation. Condemnation says they will never repent or be forgiven…we don’t know that, so we don’t have the authority to condemn but we do have the authority to discern: “You will know them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:16-20).
God warns us to not call evil good: “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” (Isaiah 5:20). Use your discernment and call them by their fruit…but don’t disobey God and call evil good or a follower of Jesus Christ: “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).
How can God let them get away with it?
Their life only appears to be better when you compare it to how you feel today. If in the end they’re going to hell for an unrepentant heart, how well are they really doing? Never look at someone’s trip to hell as “doing well” beloved — every unrepentant sinner and evil individual will have a hell to pay. They’re not getting away with it, they’re pending. Always remember that. The bible tells us: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord” (Romans 12:19). They’re pending not prosperous beloved.
An unrepentant heart is on their way to meet God’s wrath. Now, when you compare their truth to you being on your way to life and life more abundantly, before you reunite with Jesus, who’s actually doing better? That’s why God doesn’t want us wasting our abundance looking at the people He’s focused on. Focus 100% of your energy on your healing, your destiny and God’s promises…focusing on them is a distraction that will undermine your truth.
What if I can’t forgive?
If forgiveness is hard for you or you’re struggling to forgive them, ask yourself, “Why are you forgiving?”
Are you forgiving to erase what they did? No, it was, is and always will be unacceptable. Forgiveness has nothing to do with them and it doesn’t mean they are or ever will be remorseful, changed, repentant or safe. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forget, forgiveness doesn’t undo what they did or bypass the pain of what they did.
Forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness releases you from emotional injustice and releases them to God for divine justice: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord” (Romans 12:19). Forgiveness untethers your mind and emotions from them. Forgiveness frees you to think about those things that are profitable and beneficial for your life. Forgiveness stops you from burning down your emotional house to get back at them — which will only leave you emotionally homeless and them unbothered. Forgiveness values and prioritizes you. Understand forgiveness so you don’t hold on to unforgiveness without knowing that you’re not hurting them — you’re hurting you and denying your destiny the focus and energy it deserves.
Does God forbid me to get a divorce and remarry?
No and No. There are three biblical truths an abused and betrayed spouse needs to know about divorce:
1. God’s word has been twisted by false teachers, and many have been led to believe that adultery is the only biblical grounds for divorce. That is biblically false. That comes from the religiously toxic, abuser friendly and spiritually abusive translation of the bible. Both the treason of adultery and the treason of covenant abandonment — physical or behavioral, are biblical grounds for divorce…betrayal and abusive behavior of any kind — physical, mental, emotional or spiritual abandons the biblical marriage covenant and is also biblical grounds for divorce (1 Corinthians 7:15). Divorce based on biblical grounds, adultery or abandonment, restores an individual’s divine/legal right to remarry.
2. God did not say He hates divorce. The correct translation of the often misquoted text (Malachi 2:10-16), is a rebuke of unfaithful religious men who were using divorcing their wives to have affairs. Seeing this behavior, God said: “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful” (Malachi 2:16, NIV).
To navigate the aftermath of intimate partner betrayal, you will have to stand on God’s word. The truth about God’s plans for your life must be your daily mantra: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). The truth about your ability to heal forward, regain your balance and thrive is within you (John 15:4-7). Trauma is not who you are, trauma is what happened to you. A child of God, more than a conqueror, blessed and highly favored, is who you are. Healing is not a destination, healing is a journey: “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
Remember this, you are not healing from them, your recovering you, your healing for you, and you’re resurrecting your truth, your Christ identity and your personal agency. Your truth will equip and empower you, your Christ identify will justify you and, your personal agency will remind you that you have the power, authority and ability to to do what’s best for you.
Betrayal trauma is a complicated and compound emotional fracture. Your post-traumatic growth is going to be complex, layered and deep. Trust was broken, intimacy was broken, safety was broken, deeply held beliefs were broken, loyalty was broken, innocence was broken, the marriage covenant agreement (Ephesians 5:21-33) was broken. Many parts of your inner being, your inner truth and your inner knowing, will have to be healed. Healing from betrayal trauma is not healing to become who you used to be beloved…you can’t go back to being who you used to be after betrayal. Be patient with yourself, you’re becoming the next version of yourself.
If you are beginning your healing journey or would like compassionate support along the way, join me in the life-changing Betrayal Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Masterclass, an invaluable companion for your healing journey. This online and self-paced masterclass is packed with faith-based and trauma-informed tools and resources for a transformational experience. Click Here or follow the link on the home page to learn more about the masterclass.
Bless you,
Patrick
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