If you’re abusing someone, marriage counseling, couples counseling or relationship counseling is not the answer or the solution, for you or the person you’re abusing.
Abuse is not a relationship problem to be solved by making the injured spouse mutually responsible for the abusive behavior. Abuse is a behavioral problem, motivated by free will of choice and depraved indifference…that the abuser must address through individual and specialized therapy/counseling, humility and repentance. Telling an abuse victim that marriage counseling will fix the abuse, is like telling God that tolerance of sin will fix sin.
The church must not fail to apply God’s heart or wisdom to abuse. God does not fix sin by tolerating sin. God rebukes sin and holds a sinner accountable for their behavior. Not holding an abuser accountable, outsourcing an abuser’s responsibility to repent and change, or telling an abuser that the abused is mutually responsible for their behavior, is evidence of blind ignorance…not biblical truth. Listen to what God tells the unrepentant and willfully wicked: “Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil…they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them” (Romans 1:28-32). And, God commands the church assembly to, “Not even eat with such a person” (1 Corinthians 5:11). As well, God commands His children to, “Have nothing to do with them” (Titus 3:10-11, 2 Timothy 3:1-5).
A church cannot be cowardice or complicit in the face of abuse. A church cannot disobey and disregard God’s word concerning the abused and not, by default, be complicit in and a party to the abuse of God’s child: “How long will you defend the unjust and show partiality to the wicked? Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:2-4).
The abuser, like any willful sinner, is not helped by intimating, promoting or encouraging the victim to be a better victim or, to take any responsibility for the abuser’s behavior or repentance. In fact, toleration of the abuser’s behavior, outsourcing responsibility for the abuser’s behavior or telling the victim to go to marriage counseling to learn how to be a better victim to fix the abuser’s behavior, reinforces the abuser’s abusive mentality and behavior…and compounds and perpetuates the victim’s trauma. The wages of willful, unrepentant sin is death, not marriage counseling, couples counseling, tolerance or a spouse (Romans 6:23, James 1:13-15). Refusal to rebuke spousal abuse as the sin it is, results in the enemy being glorified and God being horrified!
And let me add this…a church assembly is not a one stop shop for all human issues, including abuse, trauma and complex marriage issues, anymore than the assembly is purposed to provide heart surgery, chemotherapy, physical therapy or perform physicals. A church assembly, the well intended but uninformed or cowardice pastor, and the cute couple running the marriage ministry because they’ve been married for 20 years, are not your only resources for help. A church assembly is not qualified or trained to counsel in all matters pertaining to your humanity, relationship or crisis, and when not, you must seek outside resources with specific training or skill for your need. When advised to seek marriage counseling, couples counseling or in any way take responsibility for an abuser’s behavior, an abuse victim must recognize that they are in an uninformed church, and seek help/resources that specialize in intimate partner abuse, trauma and biblical counseling on divorce from an intimate partner predator — which God not only ordains but commands in His word…rightly divided.
I know some folks won’t like this but truth sets free. If this is not your situation, please share it, and pray that someone suffering in silence might read it.
