Is it ever safe to go back to or reconcile with an abusive spouse? The short answer is no, the long answer is, it depends.
Disclaimer: Returning to a physically violent or actively abusive relationship is never recommended.
While some might say returning to or reconciling with an abusive spouse should never be considered, many abuse victims have or will consider reconciling with their abuser. Statistically speaking, an abuse victim returns to an abusive relationship on average 7 times…with the promise and hope of the abuser changing. There’s no shame in wanting or hoping or believing someone will change…someone who has every reason to change and should have every reason to be remorseful and repentant. But the reality is, the chances of a malignant abuser changing, long-term, are extremely low. Understanding the realities and conditions that either support or predict successful reconciliation are critical for navigating this complex issue.
There are at least three major factors that determine if reconciliation should even be considered and the likelihood of success:
- Trauma Recovery
- Personal Agency
- Durable Apology
We can’t sugarcoat the truth about reconciling with an abuser. Abuse is not only behavior, it’s a mentality — a years practiced, deeply ingrained dysfunctional and depraved mentality or style of relating. I’m going to start with Durable Apology because reconciliation is most often considered as the result of an abuser’s apology, or more often than not an “apolo–lie” — a fake, insincere or impermanent apology. The first and most important step to determine if reconciliation should even be considered — all things being equal, is if the abuser’s apology is durable. Let’s be clear, an abuser is no stranger to the game of manipulating emotions for selfish gain — an apology without change is nothing more than manipulation.
I know there are some who will tell you, uninformed churches included, “an abuser can change overnight,” but let me tell you the truth: that’s a lie, a half-truth — if it’s true at all. At best, the overnight was over years and with intensive work on the part of the abuser — supported by a genuinely repentant heart. Yes, the apology can seem remorse filled, genuine sounding and maybe even sincere in the moment but a durable apology requires work — work to address and treat the underlying emotional and mental dysfunction that drive the abuser’s dysfunctional and destructive style of relating.
For clarity, spousal abuse is not a marriage problem, abuse is a behavioral problem that the abuser, not the marriage, is 100% responsible for. Marriage counseling is not for an abusive relationship, and will serve no beneficial purpose other than empowering the abuser to believe that the injured spouse is at least partly or jointly responsible for their abusive behavior. The abuser’s work is not “joint or marriage counseling work,” the abuser’s work is individual work to address their abusive behavior.
I don’t care if they claim they’ve found Jesus, I don’t care if the whole church prayed and laid hands on them, and I don’t care if they believe they’ve changed, an abusive mentality cannot be “fixed” by the abuser apologizing — healing from an abusive mentality takes intensive, long-term work. How long? For as long as it takes, and then a lifetime of commitment to resisting any temptation to slip back into old, familiar ways. And let me make this clear…neither the church or the church pastor are trained psychological professionals, 99% of the time, and therefore they are not resources for an abuser’s psychological work. Spiritual support, yes, but not the psychological support the abuser needs and must obtain.
Deliverance is instant but healing takes time, commitment and work to understand, unlearn and heal the root causes of the abusive mentality.
A durable apology is based on their proactive, unforced participation in the required work, intensive psychological work, with a trained professionals to address their emotionally dysfunctional and abusive mentality, as well as the self-inflicted damage that practicing depraved indifference causes. If an apology is not paired with or accompanied by genuine repentance evidenced by the abuser doing the work, it will not and cannot be durable…it will be short-lived and simply be an invitation to reenlist for another round of abuse.
This leads us to the often overlooked but unavoidable truth: an abuser’s apology does not instantly or magically heal the victim from the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical trauma caused by the abusive relationship. In most cases, trauma recovery hasn’t even begun and/or the victim hasn’t had the time or the ability to fully process their post-traumatic stress.
Reconciliation without healing or consideration for the unhealed trauma will have less than favorable results. The body keeps the score, and without healing or without the safety, patience and space to heal, premature reconciliation can have an adverse reaction. They are aren’t healed and you aren’t healed, therefore a victim cannot feel safe within her own body because the environment is not safe — due to the abuser’s unhealed, unresolved inner conflict. Without healing, the abuser is subject to relapse or return to their old ways, which results in the environmental safety being predictably unpredictable. Unpredictability undermines safety, and environmental safety is a requirement for a victim recovering from relational trauma.
The love language for an abuse victim is safety. Safety isn’t created by an apology, and creating safety is not an overnight process — internally or externally. Without safety, healing is next to impossible. Trauma triggers, traumatic memories, trust issues and hypervigilance cannot be regulated in an unsafe environment and without a victim feeling safe within their own body. The reconciliation that disregards this truth is more than likely attempting to bypass the victims trauma and rush into “normalcy.” The reality is, unless or until the victim is able to feel safe in the environment, feeling safe in their body is impossible. This takes time, and unless an abuser can create and sustain environmental safety and, has the patience, the empathy and the compassion to allow the victim space and time to heal, the reconciliation will more than likely retraumatize the victim.
The victim’s safety is also largely dependent on the victim’s personal agency, which creates and supports a balance of power. Reconciliation cannot mean business as usual or going back to the way things were, as far as the victim’s personal agency is concerned. Abuse relies on an imbalance of power to coerce and control. A victim’s personal agency, or lack thereof, undermines safety, stability and a balance of power.
Personal agency means the victim has the authority and the ability to make decisions for their safety and wellbeing, and to expect personal boundaries to be respected without fear of retaliation, tantrums, punishment or threat. Without personal agency, a victim is not safe and the reconciliation is nothing more than an invitation to sign up for another tour of duty in the abuser’s war.
The absence of any one of the three major factors — Trauma Recovery, Personal Agency or Durable Apology, is an absolute red flag and a recipe for disaster. Prayer and faith are important parts of the equation but be not deceived, faith — and apologies, without works is dead (James 2:14-26). Applying these three factors will also help to identify the motive or an unhealthy motive for reconciliation. A reconciliation that does not start from the foundation up and is not motivated by these three factors — at a minimum, is highly unlikely to be either healthy or in the best interests of the victim.
For additional resources and support for an abusive relationship, visit the Recommended Reading/FAQ’s on our Resources Page. For information about the heart of God for abuse victims and biblical clarity regarding divorce from an abuser, Click Here.
