7 Facts About Trauma Bonds You Should Know

Every so often, I read a comment or hear a statement about trauma bonding or trauma bonds that make me want to shout. There are as many different beliefs about what a trauma bond is as there are about what causes it. Before we can heal from a trauma bond we have to have a helpful understanding of what trauma bonds are. 

A trauma bond is not a bond created between two people who bond over shared/similar trauma(s) and a trauma bond is not love condition. This may sound familiar or you may have heard trauma bond described correctly but what is also important for us to understand are the dynamics that are at root of trauma bonds, in practical terms.

Trauma bonding is a term developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes to describe the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.  It was later, in the 1980’s, used to study the effects of emotional manipulation/grooming tactics in the context of domestic abuse. Trauma Bonding doesn’t blame the victim for the abuser’s deceptive behavior, it defines the behavior, or grooming tactics of the abuser/perpetrator and the resulting effect.

Now, for those who have experienced a trauma bond, they will tell you that the emotional attachment is like a magnetic force field … constantly influencing or pulling at their heart to “bond” with the person. These emotions are real but what is not real, is the belief that the magnetic pull is love. For some, this might sound dismissive but I’m not dismissing the feeling, I’m explaining the reason for this seemingly uncontrollable pull that can literally keep you going back to the scene of the crime or looking back longingly — like Lot’s wife (Genesis 19:26), and becoming an emotional pillar of salt.

For those who follow me on Social Media, you know that I like to keep it conversational, use biblical analogies and cut to the chase, so for the sake of those who might be searching for a practical and actionable understanding of trauma bonding — for themselves or a loved one, I’m going to share seven facts about trauma bonding that I think are critical to healing forward — with as much compassion as possible and as little couch language (using technical terms for the sake of using technical terms) as possible.

Fact #1: Trauma Bond vs. Stockholm Syndrome 

While Stockholm syndrome and trauma bonds have similar symptoms, Stockholm syndrome and trauma bond aren’t the same. In other words, a common cold can have flu-like symptoms but they aren’t same. While they both share or present the empathy and affection a victim feels towards their abuser, Stockholm syndrome occurs when an individual feels their life is in danger. This is why Stockholm syndrome occurs most in victims of kidnapping, as it is a coping mechanism to keep oneself alive.

A trauma bond occurs in an exploitative relationship — most often in an intimate relationship but can also occur with a friend, family member or co-worker. The trauma bond forms subtly over time, often without the abused partner ever realizing it. The trauma bond often develops from a repeated cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. Another name for this cycle is also known as “intermittent reinforcement, where one person gives intense affection and approval to the other person, and then alternates it with neglect, disapproval, abandonment or abuse.

As well, trauma bonding and codependency are similar but different. However both can exist in the same relationship. Codependency is focused more on the addiction to caring for the other person and unhealthily placing their needs above your own. In a codependent relationship, an individual can’t be happy unless they support their partner at all costs, including their own safety and well-being. This behavior often enables the other partner to continue abusive or destructive behaviors with the codependent person.

Fact #2: The Trauma Bond Is Not Love

I didn’t say that a trauma bond does not involve a deep emotional attachment with someone, I said a trauma bond is not based on love. This might sound counterintuitive but we must understand that the trauma bond is not caused by love but rather by manipulation. While the victim might, unknowingly, equate the relationship to love, the truth is the trauma bond lacks mutual care and respect. In other words, the victim’s emotions are manipulated by the diabolical behavior of the abuser whose goal is to exploit not to reciprocate genuine love. The relationship is based on deception and manipulation, which may cause deep affection but the affection is based on toxic manipulation or deception, not love. In other words, the affection is formed based on the appearance of love or a toxic love which tricks the victims into heavily investing feelings into a lie…a lie that may or may not be intentional but the result is still the same, it’s not love based on the definition of relationship: Behavior that respects, honors and reciprocates love between two people who are committed to the wellbeing and safety of each other.

The bible tells us what love is and abuse, manipulation and exploitation are diametrically opposed: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

Fact #3: Trauma Bonding Is Not Just Emotional

In an article by the Chelsea Psychology Clinic, Dr. Elena Touroni explains the effect of trauma bonding in the brain: “The cycle of being devalued (and then rewarded) over and over can create a strong chemical bond between the abuser and the victim. A cocktail of different hormones like oxytocin (bonding), opioids (pleasure, pain, withdrawal) and dopamine (reward) are responsible for this feeling [the victims feelings of affection].”  When these neurochemicals are dysregulated, it can cause an emotional addiction, where a person can experience “cravings” for certain feelings that come from the cycle of the trauma bond.

When the abuser manipulates the victim with intermittent rewards and punishments, a psychological conditioning develops, the survivor becomes sucked (seduced) into the relationship, ever hopeful of the next reward and a reprieve from the suffering. The emotional aspect of trauma bonding is real but the cause of the emotions are psychological as well as physiological. The chemical reaction in the brain are what contribute to feelings of withdrawal.

Trauma bond withdrawal symptoms can include cravings for the person or the way you felt after making up with them, anxiety, feelings of panic, and flashbacks to the relationship.

Fact #4: A Trauma Bond Relationship Cannot Become Healthy

I’m going to repeat this…a trauma bond relationship cannot become healthy. It is not based on real love. Often, partners in a trauma bond mistake their emotional connection for real love when the feelings are a result of an abusive cycle — whether realized or unrealized. However, trauma bonding will not turn into a healthy relationship as much as a person wants to believe it.

Relationship isn’t defined by how much we want to be in a relationship with someone or how much we think we love someone. Relationship is defined by love respected, honored and reciprocated. A trauma bond relationship is far from mutual or genuine. It is one-sided, and while it may not appear that way at all times (abuse cycle), it is. It’s an exploitation of emotions through manipulation and deception. Healthy emotions do not aspire or desire to be in a relationship with someone whose dysfunctional style of relating is to kill, steal and destroy the person they’re with. That’s not a relationship that can or ever will be healthy.

Fact #5: A Person Can Be Predisposed To Trauma Bonding

An article by RWA Psychology states, “Childhood trauma itself can lead to trauma bonding. Disruption to, and trauma in attachment bonds during infancy and childhood can set the foundation for toxic unhealthy relationships. At the core, childhood trauma impacts our interpersonal relationships, mental health and personality. Trauma can include emotional, sexual or physical neglect and/or abuse that creates a vulnerability to trauma bonding.”

In his book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van Der Kolk writes: “Being traumatized means continuing to organize your life as if the trauma were still going on—unchanged and immutable—as every new encounter or event is contaminated by the past.”

We have to be clear here, predisposition is not synonymous with fault or victim blaming. Abusers abuse because abusers are abusers. Judas betrayed Jesus because Judas was a betrayer (John 12:1-6), not because Jesus made him do it. Predisposition gives us a reference point to begin our healing work. There are many historical factors that can play into our predisposition including being groomed to believe we don’t deserve better, low self-esteem and fear of abandonment. Trauma bonds aren’t simply a challenging relationship: they are deeply rooted in our basic need for attachment and security.

Fact #6: Prayer Alone Will Not Heal A Trauma Bond

It’s not unusual for Christians to hear that someone was “delivered”. But let’s clear up some confusion about deliverance, specifically deliverance from struggles that are apart of life. Deliverance is instant through faith in what is not seen but healing takes time and work. Prayer keeps our mind focused on God, truth and a position of authority over our struggle (Romans 5:1-5).

Does that mean that there is no point in praying? No. Does that mean God does not help us or is not near the broken hearted? No. It means prayer alone or faith without works is dead, when our work is within our control. We are the miracle for our miracle, God will bless the work of our hands (Deuteronomy 28:12). Your Goliath is just as big and just as defeated as David’s was. Your grace is just as powerful as the Apostle Paul’s was for his thorn. Your Red Sea is just as wide and just as parted as the Children of Israel’s was. Your Jericho walls are just as tall and just as sure to come down as the Children of Israel’s did. Your latter days will be greater than your former days just like Ruth’s was. Joseph’s pit didn’t stop him from getting to the palace promise just like yours won’t. But can I tell you something…the miracle they all received was manifested by doing what God said, following the instructions, and walking by faith, not prayer alone. 

Fact #7: You Can Heal From A Trauma Bond

Give yourself permission to heal. Trauma is not who you are, trauma is what happened to you. Don’t blame yourself for what happened to you, you’re not to blame for what you did not sign up for or knowingly participate in. Blaming yourself can leave you feeling unnecessary guilt and shame, which can hinder you from healing and growing past a trauma bond. Stop Thinking about what ‘Could Have Happened” or what you “Should Have Done” or “If only they were different”. We do better when we learn better.

Educate yourself, learn about unhealthy relationships and the signs of trauma bonding. You can also try reflecting on your patterns. This can involve exploring your beliefs, fears, developmental trauma and vulnerabilities that the abuser has exploited. Focus on yourself and your future plans for your healed heart, and consider incorporating these practices into your healing journey:

• Self-compassion and self-care: Research suggests that self-compassion and self-care can help reduce symptoms of post-traumatic stress symptoms, and enhance post-traumatic growth and learning.
• Personal growth: Healing from trauma often involves experiencing something different, or antidotal, from what you’ve experienced before. 
• Processing emotions: Acknowledging the truth and, accepting and processing your emotions can help you heal.
• Setting boundaries: Identify your needs and values, and clearly communicate them to others.
• Support groups: Support groups can provide a community that understands and reassures, and can also provide guidance.
• Therapy: Trauma-informed therapy can help to shift a person’s dysfunctional patterns of behavior, thoughts, and emotions.
• Improving relationships: Building strong, supportive connections with therapists, friends, and family members can play a critical role in the recovery journey.
   

Be blessed,

Patrick Weaver